Robyn on Purpose
Discover Your True Purpose
Relational Responsibility
Every relationship is shaped by the people participating in it.
Partners. Friends. Family members. Coworkers. Employers. Employees. Neighbours. People you work alongside, depend on, support, disagree with, or simply need to get along with.
Each of those relationships brings together two people with their own needs, expectations, perspectives, preferences, limits, and ways of experiencing things.
The way you show up doesn't simply affect your side of a relationship. It influences the dynamic that develops between you.
How you respond can affect how someone responds to you. What you continually accept can become expected. What you don't communicate can remain unknown. The amount of space you take — or continually give away — can shape what the relationship gradually becomes.
You may have more influence over how a relationship develops and functions than you realize.
It doesn't mean taking responsibility for someone else's behaviour, feelings, or choices. And it doesn't mean responsibility is always equal.
It means learning to recognize what you bring to the relationship, how your participation affects it, and what you have the power to do differently.
Learning to show up differently also gives you new information about the relationship itself.
When you communicate what you previously kept to yourself, stop accommodating what isn't working for you, make more room for another person's experience, or take responsibility for something you hadn't recognized before, you get to see what happens when you change your part of the dynamic.
Some relationships adjust with you. Some become stronger. Some require different expectations. And some may reveal that they worked largely because you were willing to participate in them in a particular way.
You can't always know what a relationship is capable of becoming until you stop participating in it exactly as you always have.
Seeing Beyond Your Own Perspective
You have reasons for being the way you are.
Your experiences have shaped what you expect from people, what feels respectful to you, what makes you uncomfortable, how you communicate, what you consider important, how you respond to conflict, and countless other ways you move through the world.
The people around you have been shaped too.
They have had different experiences, relationships, influences, expectations, disappointments, responsibilities, opportunities, losses, and challenges.
Even people who shared much of your history may have experienced it differently than you did.
What feels completely normal to you may be unfamiliar to them.
What feels obvious to you may never have been learned in the same way.
What feels unimportant to you may carry enormous meaning for them.
And behaviour that makes little sense from the context of your life may make considerably more sense in the context of theirs.
You don't have to know what that context is.
You can simply begin with the understanding that there is one.
Remembering this can change the way you interpret another person's behaviour.
When you only have your own experience to compare it to, it can be easy to judge what you don't understand.
They're overreacting.
They're being difficult.
They should know better.
They're making too much of this.
Why can't they just let it go?
But those conclusions are being made from your understanding of the situation, with your experiences informing what seems reasonable.
You don't have the same access to everything that is informing theirs.
But there is one assumption you can always rely on to be true:
EVERYONE HAS A REASON.
Every action, reaction, belief, position, or way of responding comes from somewhere.
You don't need to know what that reason is. You don't need to invent an explanation for their behaviour. And you don't need to decide whether their reason would be enough for you to respond the same way.
Simply remembering that there is a reason can create a little more room for curiosity and compassion.
Notice When You're Using Yourself as the Reference Point
You won't always know what has shaped another person's perspective, but you can become more aware of where your own perspective may be limiting what you see.
When someone's behaviour or response is difficult for you to understand, consider:
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Am I judging their response by the response I would have had?
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Am I assuming something should be obvious because it's obvious to me?
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Am I deciding what they should need based on what I need?
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Am I interpreting their behaviour based on what it would mean if I behaved that way?
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Can I accept that there may be a reason for this even if I never know what it is?
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Is there something I could ask instead of assume?
You don't need to fully understand another person to recognize that your perspective isn't the only one available.
Sometimes simply knowing there is more to understand is enough to change how you respond.
Seeing Yourself More Clearly
Seeing beyond your own perspective helps you recognize that there is more informing an interaction than your experience of it. But seeing the other person more clearly is only part of relational responsibility. You also need to be able to see yourself.
Every interaction is shaped, in part, by what you bring to it — how you communicate and listen, what you express and what you hold back, how you respond when you're frustrated, the interest you show, the assumptions you make.
Sometimes that means recognizing how you may be affecting other people. Other times, it's recognizing where you aren't allowing enough of yourself into the relationship at all.
The better you can see both, the more choice you have in how you participate. You may discover something you need to communicate more honestly, something you want to do differently, or something that simply isn't working for you.
Recognize What You Bring
There are likely ways you contribute to the relationships and interactions in your life that you value.
Maybe you are someone who listens well. You make people laugh. You follow through. You make an effort to include people. You are generous with your time. You can be counted on when something needs to be done. You make people feel comfortable speaking honestly. You bring calm when things become difficult.
What you naturally bring can also shape the role you tend to take on.
If you're a good listener, you may become the person others turn to when they need to talk. If you're dependable, people may learn to rely on you. If you're flexible, you may find yourself doing more of the adjusting. If you're good at keeping things moving, you may be the one who steps in when something needs to be done.
Over time, those roles can become so familiar that you stop noticing you're playing them.
Be Willing to See What Is Harder to See
Seeing yourself honestly can be difficult because you experience yourself from the inside. You know what you intended, what you were feeling, and the reasons behind what you did. Other people only experience what actually reaches them.
If you're impatient, you know what happened first. If you become defensive, you know what was said that triggered it. If you withdraw, you know why you needed to step away.
When you think back on an interaction, your behaviour comes with an explanation. You already know why you did what you did. That context can make your response feel reasonable, even justified, making it harder to see your behaviour objectively.
The following four angles offer different ways to look at how you participate with other people. Consider what you value about how you show up alongside what you may want to look at more honestly.
The Four Angles
How Are You Showing Up?
Different parts of you may show up with different people and in different situations. You may be warm and curious in one interaction, impatient in another, confident somewhere else, or more likely to take a back seat.
You may be aware of what you intend to bring into an interaction, but your participation can also affect what develops between you. How you show up can influence how someone responds, what becomes expected, and the patterns that gradually form.
Consider how you are experienced by the people you interact with.
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How do people tend to feel after spending time with me?
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Do I make room for other people to speak, contribute, and be themselves?
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What do I bring that contributes positively to my interactions with other people?
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What do I bring that may create tension, discomfort, distance, or frustration?
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Do I tend to take up too much space in my interactions, or not enough?
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Would the people who know me describe the way I show up similarly to how I would describe myself?
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What might other people's responses tell me about how I'm showing up?
You may recognize things here that you already value about yourself, alongside things you hadn't considered before. Both help you build a more complete picture of how you show up with other people.
The more accurately you can see that picture, the easier it becomes to recognize what you want to keep bringing and where there may be room to show up differently.
What Happens When You're Uncomfortable?
How you respond when things feel uncomfortable can give you valuable information about yourself.
Someone disagrees with you. Gives you feedback. Says no. Disappoints you. Misunderstands you. Wants something you don't want. Is upset with you. Doesn't respond the way you hoped.
These moments can reveal parts of how you relate that may be less visible when everything is going well.
Consider:
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Can I stay open when someone sees something differently than I do?
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What happens when someone gives me feedback I don't agree with or don't want to hear?
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How do I respond when someone is disappointed, frustrated, or unhappy with me?
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Do I become defensive, withdraw, appease, attack, over-explain, or look for someone else to validate my side?
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Can I tolerate a disagreement without needing to resolve it in my favour?
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Do I still communicate and behave in ways I respect when I'm angry, hurt, embarrassed, or frustrated?
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Am I able to hear what someone is saying before I begin explaining my own behaviour?
Discomfort gives you somewhere to look.
A strong reaction doesn't automatically mean you've done something wrong. It may point toward something you value, something you need, a boundary that matters, a fear or sensitivity that's been touched, or a way of responding that you want to understand more clearly.
What matters is being willing to be curious about what your response is showing you.
What Are You Holding in Place?
Relationships develop familiar ways of functioning. Over time, roles form, expectations develop, and certain ways of interacting can simply become normal.
You may not have consciously chosen the part you play in keeping that structure in place.
You keep doing something because you've always done it. You compensate for what someone else doesn't do. You avoid a subject because you know it will create tension. You continue listening long after you want to leave the conversation. You say yes because saying no would disappoint someone. You take care of something yourself because asking someone else to step up feels harder.
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What has become normal in my relationships simply because it has been happening for a long time?
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What do I keep doing because other people have come to expect it from me?
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Where do I compensate for what someone else doesn't do?
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What do I avoid saying or doing because it might change the way the relationship currently works?
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What behaviour do I continue to participate in even though I don't like it?
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If I stopped playing my usual part, what would have to change?
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What does someone else regularly take care of, initiate, manage, or provide that I have come to rely on?
What you are holding in place may be working well for everyone involved. Or you may recognize that something has continued largely because you have continued playing the same part in it.
Recognizing your part helps you see what has become established between you — and what might shift if you begin participating differently.
What Might You Have Stopped Seeing?
The longer someone is part of your life, the easier it can be for parts of the relationship to fade into the background.
Things that once stood out can become expected. Effort can become familiar. Appreciation can remain felt without being expressed. You may stop noticing the small ways someone makes your life easier, supports you, considers you, makes you laugh, or contributes to what you share.
The same familiarity can affect what you notice when things are difficult. Once you have formed a strong impression of someone — they're selfish, they're unreliable, they're dramatic, they're difficult — new interactions can begin to be interpreted through what you already believe about them.
The way you see someone affects the way you interact with them. What you expect can influence what you notice, the meaning you give to their words or behaviour, and how you respond in return.
Consider:
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What does someone regularly bring to my life that I may have started taking for granted?
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Do I still express appreciation for the things I have come to expect?
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Have I become more aware of what someone doesn't do than what they do?
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Have I formed an opinion of someone that now influences how I interpret their behaviour?
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Am I allowing people to show me who they are now, or am I relating to who I have come to believe they are?
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Would I interpret the same words or behaviour differently if they came from someone I viewed differently?
Widening the lens through which you see someone can help you recognize when your own behaviour is being shaped by what you've come to expect or believe about them. A broader view gives you more room to respond differently — creating the possibility for the dynamic between you to change.
Choosing How You Show Up
Seeing yourself more clearly gives you information. What you do with that information is a choice.
You may recognize something you want to keep bringing into your relationships. You may notice a way of responding that no longer reflects how you want to handle difficult moments. You may realize you've been taking up too much space, or not enough. You may see something you've been holding in place, or recognize that the way you've come to see someone has been influencing how you interact with them.
How do you want to show up now?
What do you want to bring?
Maybe there's something you already bring that you want to be more intentional about. Or something you want to bring differently—more curiosity, more listening, more participation, more consideration.
How do you want to respond when things are difficult?
You can't choose whether discomfort arises, but you can begin choosing what you do with it. Maybe that's listening before defending, speaking instead of withdrawing, or allowing someone to be disappointed without immediately trying to fix it.
What are you ready to stop holding in place?
If you've recognized that your participation is helping something continue, you can consider what it would look like to stop automatically playing your usual part.
What do you want to see differently?
If you've recognized that familiarity, assumptions, or an established view of someone has narrowed your lens, you can choose to bring more openness into the next interaction rather than automatically responding from what you've come to expect.
Choosing how you show up is where self-awareness begins to affect the relationship itself. Some of those choices may require skills you are still learning — how to communicate more honestly, hold a boundary, stay present through discomfort, or respond differently than you have before. You'll find resources to help you build those skills at the end of this page.
Recognizing What Is Yours
Choosing how you want to show up gives you something you can act on. But a relationship is never shaped by your participation alone.
You can communicate clearly, listen openly, acknowledge your impact, change your behaviour, make a request, set a boundary, or stop participating in something that isn't working for you.
What you can't do is determine what another person does with any of it.
They may listen. They may become defensive. They may make an effort. They may disagree with you. They may respect a boundary, struggle with it, or choose not to. They may be willing to look at their own participation — or they may see no reason to.
Relational responsibility means taking responsibility for what is yours without taking responsibility for what belongs to someone else.
What Is Yours
Your behaviour. Your words. Your choices. Your boundaries. Whether you listen. Whether you speak. Whether you apologize when you've caused harm. Whether you follow through on what you've said. Whether you continue participating in something.
What Is Theirs
Their behaviour. Their choices. Their feelings and reactions. Whether they listen. Whether they reflect. Whether they change. Whether they respect what you've communicated. What they are willing or able to contribute.
What Belongs Between You
Some things can only be created together.
A difficult conversation requires two people willing to have it. Reciprocity requires both people to give and receive. Repair requires acknowledgement and participation. Trust may depend on what happens repeatedly over time. Changing an established way of relating may require both people to adjust.
You can contribute to these things, but you cannot create them on behalf of another person.
Additional Resources
Learn to speak honestly, listen with greater openness, work through disagreement, and communicate when something needs to be addressed.
Learn to set clear limits around what you will and won't participate in, communicate them, and follow through when they aren't respected.
Understand how you tend to respond when something feels uncomfortable, and learn ways to stay engaged without automatically avoiding, appeasing, controlling, or releasing that discomfort elsewhere.
Explore Relational Responsibility
Through Journaling
The Relationships You Want to Create
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What qualities matter most to me in the relationships I share with other people?
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What do I want the people closest to me to consistently experience from me?
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What do I need to be able to experience within a relationship for it to feel healthy and fulfilling to me?
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Where are my current relationships already reflecting these things?
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Where is there a gap between the relationships I want and the way I am currently participating in them?
Taking Responsibility for Your Influence
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What do I do that helps create the kinds of relationships I want?
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What do I do that may unintentionally make those relationships harder to create?
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Where am I waiting for someone else to change something that I could begin doing differently myself?
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What have I been hoping someone will understand without actually communicating it?
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What am I continuing to participate in that teaches someone else what they can expect from me?
Making Room for Both People
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Where do I need to make more room for another person's needs, perspective, preferences, or contribution?
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Where do I need to make more room for my own?
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What would equal consideration look like in a relationship where I tend to give myself too little—or too much?
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Where could I participate more honestly instead of automatically playing the role I've become accustomed to?
What You Can Do Differently
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What is one relationship I would like to participate in differently?
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What part of the current dynamic is actually within my influence?
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What would I like to keep bringing to this relationship?
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What would I like to stop automatically doing?
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What might I need to communicate, ask for, acknowledge, practice, or change?
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What could I do differently that would give me new information about what this relationship is capable of becoming?