Dealing with Difficult People

Seeing Behaviour Differently

Most difficult behaviour isn’t about what someone is doing.
It’s about what they are trying not to feel.

When someone’s behaviour creates tension, it’s natural to try to make sense of it quickly.

You either make it about yourself:

I did something wrong
They don’t like me
There’s a reason they’re treating me this way

Or you make it about them:

They’re controlling
They’re difficult
They’re just lazy

Both feel true in the moment.
And both miss what’s actually driving the behaviour.

Behaviour that feels hard to deal with is often someone trying to manage an internal experience they don’t know how to face directly.

That might be:

a need to feel capable or respected
a fear of being exposed or misunderstood
a desire to feel included or valued
discomfort with uncertainty or lack of control

What shows up on the surface is the behaviour.
What’s underneath is something being protected.

When you start looking at behaviour this way, something shifts.

You’re no longer trying to figure out:
“What’s wrong with them?”
or
“What did I do?”

You start asking:
“What might feel at risk for them here?”

You don’t need to get the answer exactly right.

But when you begin to see behaviour as protection — not personality, not intention, not something directed at you —
it becomes easier to understand what’s happening and respond without escalating it.

WORTH

WHEN IT NEEDS TO BE AFFIRMED

They need to feel capable, useful, and respected because it reinforces that they have value. That what they do matters, that they matter, and that their place is secure.

What it can look like:

control, correcting, over-direction
taking on too much responsibility
stepping in when it’s not needed
needing recognition or acknowledgment

WHEN IT NEEDS TO BE PROTECTED

They need to avoid being put in a position where their capability, usefulness, or contribution could be seen as insufficient. Where falling short would no longer be internal — it would be visible.

What it can look like:

avoiding responsibility
disengaging
deflecting or “forgetting”

BELONGING

WHEN THEY NEED TO FEEL CHOSEN

They need to feel included and accepted because underneath it is the belief that who they are isn’t enough — and that belonging depends on becoming someone who is.

What it can look like:

changing opinions to match others
over-sharing too quickly
inserting themselves into conversations
dominating conversation without depth

WHEN THEY NEED TO AVOID REJECTION

They need to avoid being in a position where they could be rejected, excluded, or not chosen. They are well aware that they don’t belong — and they will not hand that power over to someone else to confirm it. The protective layer they form ensures they stay in control.

What it can look like:

being overly blunt or disagreeable
pushing boundaries or saying things that create distance
creating tension in otherwise neutral interactions

VULNERABILITY

WHEN IT NEEDS TO BE MANAGED

They need to stay in control of anything that could affect them because once it moves outside of that control, they can’t determine how it will unfold or how they will respond.

What it can look like:

ONE
Independence & Identity

Over Expressed

What it looks like from the outside

Dominates direction and decision-making. Takes the lead quickly and rarely invites input, even when collaboration would strengthen the outcome.
Pushes ideas through instead of building buy-in. Moves forward based on conviction, often expecting others to adapt rather than align.
Appears impatient with slower processes or people. Wants movement, results, and efficiency, and can become visibly frustrated when things lag.
Struggles to share control. Delegates tasks but not ownership, often stepping back in to “correct” or take over.
Becomes overly self-reliant. Handles things alone even when support is available, reinforcing distance in relationships or teams.
Can come across as blunt or dismissive. Prioritizes truth and forward motion over delivery, sometimes overlooking the impact of tone.
Prioritizes outcome over connection. Focus stays on getting it done, not necessarily on how people feel along the way.
Resists being challenged. Feedback may be met with defensiveness, justification, or quiet dismissal.
Sets the pace for everyone. Operates at a level of drive that others may struggle to match, creating pressure or imbalance.
Makes leadership feel one-directional. Others may feel directed rather than included, even when the intention is progress.

What it feels like on the inside

Worth becomes tied to independence and capability. Being strong, decisive, and self-sufficient feels essential to identity.
Control feels like stability. Letting others influence direction can feel like losing clarity, momentum, or safety.
Vulnerability feels inefficient or risky. Opening up, asking for help, or slowing down can feel unnecessary or exposing.
Pressure to lead is constant. There is an internal sense that if they don’t take charge, things may stall or fall apart.
Trust in others’ approach is limited. Different doesn’t always feel equal — it can feel like a risk to quality or outcome.
Emotions are deprioritized. Feelings (their own or others’) can feel secondary to action, decisions, and forward movement.
Rest can feel like falling behind. Slowing down creates discomfort, as if momentum or identity is being lost.
Identity forms around being the one who figures it out. There is pride in solving, initiating, and leading — and discomfort when that role isn’t needed.
Receiving support feels unfamiliar. Even when help is offered, it can feel easier or safer to continue alone.
Connection can feel secondary to purpose. Relationships are valued, but not always given the same attention as progress or achievement.

How to respond without escalating the pattern

If something matters to you, say that directly.
“I want to feel like my input matters here.”

Say what you think while things are still being decided. If you wait, it moves on without you.

If they move quickly, bring yourself into it without trying to stop them.
“Hold on — I want to be part of this.”

If they keep going or brush past it, don’t match their intensity and don’t drop it either. Stay steady and say it again, simply.
“I’m not finished.”

If they get frustrated or shut it down, let that be theirs. You don’t need to fix their reaction to hold your position.

If you’re not ready to decide, say that and pause yourself.
“I need a minute before I answer.”

If you see it differently, say it once without trying to prove it.
“I don’t see it the same way.”

If it starts to feel one-sided, name it clearly.
“This feels one-sided right now.”

It might create friction when you insert yourself.
That’s part of changing the dynamic, not a sign to step back.

Set your intention before entering the interaction.
Before stepping into a conversation, decide that you’re going to look for what this person is bringing — not just how they’re coming across. That shift changes how you hear them and how you respond. When you enter expecting to push back, it shows. When you enter open to seeing value, your tone stays steady and the interaction stays collaborative.

Interrupt momentum without creating a power struggle.
When things are moving too quickly, don’t push back with your own direction. That turns it into control vs control. Pause the momentum in a way that invites thought.
“Can we slow this down for a second?”
“I want to think this through before we move forward.”

Acknowledge what you’re hearing before adding to it.
If you come in only reacting, it can feel like you’re pushing against them — even if that’s not your intention. Letting them know you’re following what they’re saying lowers reactivity and keeps the interaction collaborative.

“I see what you’re getting at.”
“Yeah, I understand where you’re coming from.”
“I really like that — I just want to add something before we move on.”

Ask them to walk you through their thinking.
Understanding where they’re coming from shifts the interaction from action into reasoning. It gives you a way in without opposing them directly.
“Walk me through how you’re thinking about this.”
“What led you to that?”
“What are you prioritizing here?”

Bring in missing pieces instead of opposing what’s been said.
Direct disagreement often hardens their position. Adding something that hasn’t been considered shifts the conversation without challenging their competence.
“What are we factoring in for ___?”
“I think there’s another piece to consider here…”

Speak before frustration builds.
If you wait until you’re irritated, your tone will carry it — even if your words don’t. Say something while you’re still steady.
“I want to weigh in before we go further.”

“I want to pause here for a second.”

Keep your language neutral when you disagree.
The moment it sounds like correction, the interaction shifts. You can disagree without making them wrong.
“I see it a bit differently.”
“That’s one way to look at it — here’s how I’m seeing it.”

Name what needs to happen, not what they’re doing wrong.
Calling out their behaviour directly often escalates things. Shift it toward what the interaction needs instead.
“I want us to look at a couple options before deciding.”
“Let’s make sure we’ve thought this through fully.”

Avoid language that makes them feel small.
Even subtle wording can come across as dismissive or corrective. That tends to intensify the behaviour instead of shifting it.
Instead of: “That doesn’t make sense.”
Try: “I’m not fully seeing how that connects.”

Address it Directly in a 1 on 1 Conversation.

You can’t shift a dynamic you’re not willing to name. If this pattern is affecting how you participate, contribute, or show up, it needs to be addressed clearly and privately — not managed around or worked around.

The goal is to bring awareness to impact, not challenge their authority.

Set Your Intentions Going Into the Conversation

This might look like:

To name what’s happening without labelling it as wrong
To bring awareness to how participation and outcomes are being impacted
To open the door for more shared input before decisions are made

How It Could Sound

“I’ve noticed in some conversations decisions are made pretty quickly, and there isn’t always space for other input.”
“When that happens, I tend to step back rather than contribute — and I don’t think that’s the best outcome for the team.”
“I want to make sure we’re getting the strongest ideas on the table, not just the fastest decisions.”

Then shift:
“Could we build in a bit more space for input before decisions are finalized?”
“Even just a quick pause to hear perspectives would make a difference.”

What This Approach Does

Keeps the focus on impact, not personality
Signals that your contribution matters without competing for control
Positions the conversation around stronger outcomes, not correction

It doesn’t guarantee change — but it makes it more likely that the conversation is heard without being shut down.

If Nothing Changes — Day-to-Day Strategies

If they stay in the pattern, you adjust how you participate — not to accommodate them, but to stay effective within it.

Get in Early

Over expressed 1’s move fast.
If you wait, the decision is already made.

Speak early in discussions
Offer input before momentum builds
Even a short “I want to add something before we land on that” is enough

Be Direct (Not Softened)

Hedging gets overridden.

Replace: “Maybe we could consider…”
With: “I see a risk here…” or “I’d approach this differently because…”

Clear = respected
Soft = bypassed

Tie Input to Outcome

They respond to effectiveness, not feelings.

“If we move this way, we might miss…”
“This could create extra work later because…”

You’re speaking their language: results, efficiency, strength

Don’t Compete for Control

If you try to “match” their dominance:

it becomes a power struggle
they double down

Instead:

stay steady
state your position once, clearly
don’t escalate to win

Choose When to Engage

Not everything needs to be challenged.

If it affects outcomes → speak
If it’s preference → let it pass

This keeps your voice intentional, not reactive

The Reality of This Dynamic

Even with the best approach:

Some over-expressed 1’s will not see it
Some will only adjust slightly
Some will respond only when impact becomes undeniable

So the goal isn’t:
“How do I change them?”

It’s:
“How do I stay effective and respected in this dynamic?”

See the person before the behaviour

As humans, we naturally frame behaviour around how it affects us or the team we’re responsible for.
We notice what’s not working, what’s frustrating, or what’s getting in the way.

The challenge with that is it keeps the focus on the behaviour itself — not what’s driving it.

What we need to do instead is understand what the person is relying on when they act this way.

Because the behaviour isn’t random — it’s coming from something they believe makes them effective, capable, or valuable.

If that isn’t recognized, any feedback will feel like it’s taking something away from them.
And when that happens, they protect it — not adjust it.

The shift is to see the ability underneath the behaviour first.
That’s what allows you to work with it, instead of pushing against it.

What’s driving the behaviour

This person ties their worth to what they produce.
Recognition isn’t just nice to have — it reinforces that they are capable and valuable.

They rely on being decisive, independent, and the one who figures things out.
Those qualities aren’t just strengths — they’re part of how they define themselves.

Because of that, feedback on how they operate doesn’t land as neutral.
It feels like a challenge to their capability.

Accepting help, slowing down, or doing things differently can feel like losing ground.
If someone else leads or improves the outcome, it can register as they weren’t good enough on their own.

They trust themselves to get it right.
Moving quickly and taking control creates certainty — involving others can feel like risk.

Reframing the behaviour as a strength

If the behaviour is only seen as a problem, it will be interpreted that way — and approached with frustration or correction.

Reframing it as a strength shifts how you see it.
It gives you a clearer understanding of what the person is relying on, and what’s actually driving how they operate.

For this pattern, that matters.

Their sense of worth is tied to how they operate.
If that isn’t recognized first, anything that follows can be heard as a criticism of how they think, decide, or get things done.

Starting with the strength doesn’t soften the message.
It allows it to be received.

Let’s look at the strength behind each of these behaviours.

Moving quickly into decisions reflects an ability to take action and create momentum
Stepping in and taking over reflects a strong sense of ownership and responsibility
Having a clear way of doing things reflects conviction and confidence in decision-making
Operating at a fast pace reflects drive, urgency, and a focus on progress
Relying on themselves reflects independence and the ability to figure things out without needing direction
Pushing forward when others hesitate reflects comfort with risk and a willingness to lead

Choosing what to address

The most impactful way to approach this is to focus on the behaviour that is having the greatest impact on the team.

Not every behaviour.
One behaviour.

Trying to address multiple things at once dilutes the message and almost guarantees the conversation will be received poorly — no matter how positively it’s framed.

Before the conversation, get clear on:

Which behaviour is having the most noticeable impact on how others are showing up?
Where is it creating the most friction, disengagement, or limitation?
What is the clearest, most recent example of that impact?
If this one thing shifted, what would change for the team?

Choose the area where a shift would make the biggest difference.

Then anchor the conversation in development.

“I really want to develop this skill further in you…”

Focusing on one area does more than make the conversation easier to receive.
It increases the likelihood of real, sustainable change.

A shift in one behaviour often carries into others — adjusting how they operate more broadly without needing to address everything directly.

Example: Involving others in decisions and direction

How the conversation could look

“You’re very strong at driving decisions and moving things forward.
That ability creates momentum and keeps things from getting stuck.

Right now, that means you’re carrying a lot of the thinking and direction.
What we need is for the rest of the team to build more engagement and ownership.

I’m not looking for them to operate the way you do — but I do need your help in creating space for them to step into it.

I’d like to focus on how you bring others into the decision-making process and discuss where you can create space for them to take ownership.

If we can shift this, we’re not just driving results — we’re building a stronger team that can carry more together.”

Setting clear expectations

Once the focus is clear, the next step is identifying specific, measurable actions that reinforce the behaviour you want to develop.

Limit this to 1–3 actions.
Anything more becomes difficult to follow through on and loses impact.

These should be clear enough to observe and follow up on — not general ideas, but consistent ways of operating.

For Example:

Before finalizing a decision, ensure input is gathered from at least two team members
This becomes a consistent step — not something done occasionally

Identify one area each week where they step back and allow someone else to lead
They remain available for support, but do not step in unless asked

As leaders, we’re taught to manage behaviour — through performance improvement plans or corrective actions.

But that approach keeps the focus on what someone is doing, not why they’re doing it.

If you want to influence real change, you have to understand the motivation behind the behaviour — and see the person driving it.

Managing behaviour may lead to compliance.
But it doesn’t change what’s driving how someone operates.

When you understand what they’re relying on — what makes them feel effective, capable, or valuable — you can start to show them a different way to use it.

That’s what creates change.

ONE
Independence & Identity

Under Expressed

What it looks like from the outside

Dominates direction and decision-making. Takes the lead quickly and rarely invites input, even when collaboration would strengthen the outcome.
Pushes ideas through instead of building buy-in. Moves forward based on conviction, often expecting others to adapt rather than align.
Appears impatient with slower processes or people. Wants movement, results, and efficiency, and can become visibly frustrated when things lag.
Struggles to share control. Delegates tasks but not ownership, often stepping back in to “correct” or take over.
Becomes overly self-reliant. Handles things alone even when support is available, reinforcing distance in relationships or teams.
Can come across as blunt or dismissive. Prioritizes truth and forward motion over delivery, sometimes overlooking the impact of tone.
Prioritizes outcome over connection. Focus stays on getting it done, not necessarily on how people feel along the way.
Resists being challenged. Feedback may be met with defensiveness, justification, or quiet dismissal.
Sets the pace for everyone. Operates at a level of drive that others may struggle to match, creating pressure or imbalance.
Makes leadership feel one-directional. Others may feel directed rather than included, even when the intention is progress.

What it feels like on the inside

Worth becomes tied to independence and capability. Being strong, decisive, and self-sufficient feels essential to identity.
Control feels like stability. Letting others influence direction can feel like losing clarity, momentum, or safety.
Vulnerability feels inefficient or risky. Opening up, asking for help, or slowing down can feel unnecessary or exposing.
Pressure to lead is constant. There is an internal sense that if they don’t take charge, things may stall or fall apart.
Trust in others’ approach is limited. Different doesn’t always feel equal — it can feel like a risk to quality or outcome.
Emotions are deprioritized. Feelings (their own or others’) can feel secondary to action, decisions, and forward movement.
Rest can feel like falling behind. Slowing down creates discomfort, as if momentum or identity is being lost.
Identity forms around being the one who figures it out. There is pride in solving, initiating, and leading — and discomfort when that role isn’t needed.
Receiving support feels unfamiliar. Even when help is offered, it can feel easier or safer to continue alone.
Connection can feel secondary to purpose. Relationships are valued, but not always given the same attention as progress or achievement.