Robyn on Purpose
Discover Your True Purpose
Uncovering Your Authentic Self
DISCOVER WHAT MATTERS. LEARN TO LIVE IT.
Uncovering your authentic self is the gradual process of reducing the contradictions between what genuinely matters to you and the way you live.
Those contradictions appear in countless ways—between what you value and how you behave, what you need and what you allow yourself to receive, or the person you've learned to be and the person you genuinely want to become.
Saying yes while wishing you had said no.
Being kind while secretly keeping score.
Telling yourself family matters while never making time for them.
Valuing health while constantly abandoning yourself.
Wanting honesty while avoiding difficult conversations.
Wanting peace while participating in drama.
Your actions don't match your values.
Your commitments don't reflect your priorities.
Your relationships ask you to be someone you no longer want to be.
You keep making choices that protect who you've learned to be rather than reflect who you genuinely are.
Over time, these contradictions begin to create distance between the life you're living and the life you genuinely want.
You feel disconnected.
You feel resentful.
You feel like you're performing your life rather than living it.
You're living in contradiction with what genuinely matters to you.
Many of these contradictions began as patterns that once served a purpose. Understanding where they came from can make them much easier to recognize.
Discover What Matters
If someone asked you what your values are, you could probably name a few. Honesty. Kindness. Family. Respect. But choosing words from a list doesn't necessarily tell you what genuinely matters to you.
Your values have been shaped by many things—your experiences, your relationships, how you were raised, what you've been praised for, what you've struggled with, and what you've learned about how you should behave. Some of what you've learned may genuinely reflect who you are. Some of it may not.
Discovering what genuinely matters requires discernment.
There are three particularly useful places to begin:
What draws you
The people, qualities, experiences, and ways of living you admire or feel naturally drawn toward.
What activates you
The behaviours, situations, and choices that provoke frustration, anger, judgment, or a strong opinion.
What creates friction within you
The places where you notice resentment, guilt, discomfort, depletion, or the persistent feeling that something isn't sitting right.
What Draws You
Pay attention to the people, qualities, experiences, and ways of living that naturally draw your attention. What do you admire? What inspires you? What makes you think, I'd like more of that in my life?
Be careful not to stop at the lifestyle itself.
You may look at someone who travels frequently and think you want their life. But travel isn't necessarily what you're responding to. You may be drawn to the freedom they have created, their curiosity about the world, their willingness to explore, or the flexibility to decide how they spend their time.
You may admire someone who has built a successful career, but success itself isn't a value. Perhaps what you admire is their ambition, creativity, independence, perseverance, contribution, or willingness to pursue something that matters to them.
Look past what someone has or what their life looks like and ask what it represents to you.
What is it about this person, experience, or way of living that you actually want more of in your own life?
What Activates You
The things that frustrate, anger, offend, or provoke judgment can be just as revealing as the things you admire.
Pay attention to the moments when you have an immediate reaction to someone's behaviour or choices:
I would never do that.
That's so disrespectful.
How can they treat someone that way?
Why does everything always have to be about them?
That's completely unfair.
Strong reactions often tell you that something important has been touched. But unlike What Draws You, this is where you need to be particularly careful about assuming you already know what that is.
If someone leaves a mess in a shared space and it bothers you, you might immediately think:
"I value cleanliness."
Maybe. But look deeper.
What actually bothers you about it?
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Respect — other people have to use the space too.
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Responsibility — you believe people should take responsibility for what they leave behind.
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Consideration — you care about how your actions affect other people.
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Community — you believe everyone has a role in caring for shared spaces.
The behaviour itself doesn't tell you what matters. Why it matters to you does.
Judgment can be particularly useful to notice. When you find yourself thinking, I would never behave that way, don't immediately assume the other person is showing you one of your values. They're showing you one of your rules.
The question is whether that rule reflects something you genuinely value—or something you've learned people should do.
You may have been raised to always be polite, work hard, put family first, help when you're needed, or never draw attention to yourself. Seeing someone disregard one of those rules can create a surprisingly strong reaction, even if you've never stopped to decide whether it's a rule you still want to live by.
For now, simply notice:
What behaviour gets a strong reaction from me?
What specifically bothers me about it?
What do I believe the person should have done instead?
That last question is particularly useful. The word should often leads directly to the beliefs and standards you've been carrying.
What Creates Friction Within You
Not everything that reveals what matters comes from your reaction to someone else. Sometimes the tension shows up in your own choices.
You agree to something and immediately wish you hadn't.
You do what everyone expects of you, but resentment begins to build.
You keep giving to people you love, yet increasingly feel depleted.
You stay quiet to avoid conflict, but continue thinking about what you wish you had said.
You make the sensible or responsible choice, but something about it doesn't sit right.
These feelings are worth paying attention to.
They can signal that something you are honouring is coming at the expense of something else that matters to you.
You might genuinely value generosity and want to be there for the people you love. The resentment doesn't necessarily mean you don't value giving. It may be telling you that you've made too little room for rest, reciprocity, autonomy, or your own needs.
You might genuinely value family, while also needing independence.
You might value responsibility, while also valuing freedom.
You might value harmony, while also valuing honesty.
Friction often appears when one part of what matters to you is continually given priority over another.
Internal discomfort isn't automatically evidence that you're making the wrong choice. Choosing differently can also feel uncomfortable simply because it's unfamiliar. Saying no for the first time may bring guilt. Speaking honestly may bring anxiety. Prioritizing yourself may initially feel selfish.
So don't immediately ask, What should I change?
Start by asking:
What am I feeling here?
What am I giving a lot of room to?
What isn't getting enough room?
The goal at this stage is simply to notice where your inner experience is telling you there may be more than one thing that matters.
Discern What You've Found
The things you've noticed give you somewhere to look, but they don't all mean the same thing.
You can admire something because it genuinely reflects the way you want to live—or because you've learned to see it as admirable.
You can strongly disapprove of someone's behaviour because it conflicts with something you deeply value—or because they're breaking a rule you've always believed people should follow.
You can feel uncomfortable with one of your own choices because it doesn't reflect what matters to you—or because choosing differently challenges a familiar way of being.
This is where discernment becomes important.
Before deciding that something represents one of your values, look more closely at what it may be showing you.
A value says:
This matters to me, and I want the way I live to reflect it.
It might sound like:
I want to be someone who tells the truth, even when it's uncomfortable.
Being present for the people I love matters to me.
I want to treat people with consideration.
Having freedom in how I live and make decisions matters to me.
A value is about the way you choose to live, regardless of whether anyone else makes the same choice.
A learned rule says:
This is what I've learned a good, responsible, respectable, or worthy person is supposed to do.
Good mothers put their children first.
Responsible people don't leave secure jobs.
Kind people don't say no when someone needs help.
Hard-working people don't sit around doing nothing.
Learned rules often become easier to recognize when you imagine breaking them. If choosing differently immediately makes you feel selfish, lazy, irresponsible, disrespectful, or like a bad person, there may be a rule underneath it worth examining.
A wound or sensitivity says:
This touches something from my own experience that still carries weight.
It might sound like:
I can't stand being ignored.
It really bothers me when someone takes credit for something they didn't do.
I get disproportionately angry when someone cancels plans at the last minute.
Seeing someone being excluded really gets to me.
The intensity of the reaction can be a clue here. The current situation may be touching something larger than what's happening in the moment.
That doesn't mean there isn't a value underneath it. Your experiences can shape what becomes deeply important to you. Being ignored may contribute to how much you value inclusion. Experiencing unfairness may strengthen your commitment to fairness.
The question is whether you can separate what you genuinely want to stand for from what still hurts.
Control says:
I need someone else to behave differently for things to feel right.
It might sound like:
They should know better.
They need to take more responsibility.
If they cared, they wouldn't do that.
People shouldn't behave like that.
Values guide your actions. Control tries to direct theirs.
If respect is genuinely one of your values, it tells you something about how you want to treat people. It doesn't automatically mean everyone else has to behave according to your definition of respect.
The distinction isn't always immediately obvious.
Go back to the example of someone leaving a mess in a shared space. The same irritation could mean very different things:
Value:
Consideration matters to me. I want to leave shared spaces in a way that considers the people who use them after me.
Learned rule:
I was taught that respectful people clean up after themselves. People shouldn't behave this way.
Wound or sensitivity:
I've spent years cleaning up after everyone else. Seeing another person leave a mess brings up all of that frustration.
Control:
I need everyone who uses this space to behave according to the standard I think is right.
None of these makes the reaction invalid. They simply tell you different things about yourself.
Separate the Value from What Surrounds It
A value rarely exists in isolation. Rules you've learned, expectations you're trying to meet, beliefs about what your choices mean, and your own experiences can all influence how you live it.
For example:
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Generosity may be the value.
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Always say yes when someone needs you may be the learned rule.
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They'll be disappointed if I don't help may be the expectation you're trying to meet.
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I'm selfish if I put myself first may be the belief influencing your choices.
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Past experiences may help explain why saying no feels particularly difficult.
All of those things can exist alongside a value of generosity.
Learning to separate the value from everything influencing how you express it is an important part of understanding what truly matters to you.
Before claiming something as one of your values, ask:
Is this something I genuinely want my own life and behaviour to reflect?
Would it still matter to me if no one else lived this way?
Am I choosing this, or have I simply never questioned it?
And perhaps, most importantly:
If there were no approval to gain, no disappointment to avoid, and nothing to prove, would I still choose this?
You don't need to reject something simply because you learned it from your family, culture, or experiences. Many of the values you inherited may genuinely resonate with you. The difference lies in knowing that you've examined them and chosen them for yourself.
Keep the Value, Question the Rule
Recognizing that something genuinely matters to you doesn't mean that every rule you've associated with that value needs to come with it.
You may have been taught to always help when someone asks. Perhaps generosity genuinely matters to you, but being endlessly available does not.
You may have learned that family comes first. Perhaps family remains deeply important to you, but always putting yourself last does not.
You may have learned that being responsible means handling everything yourself. Perhaps responsibility matters to you, but refusing support does not.
When the rule becomes inseparable from the value, it can eventually pull you away from the very thing you're trying to live.
Enter the Contradictions
Knowing what matters to you is one thing. Making room for everything that matters to you in the way you live is another.
This is where living authentically becomes less straightforward.
Even something that genuinely matters to you can begin to pull you away from the fuller life you want to live, depending on how much space you give it and how you've learned to express it.
Sometimes you overextend a value.
You value generosity, so you give and give until you're depleted. You keep saying yes when you want to say no. Eventually, resentment creeps in. You start keeping score, complaining about everything you do, or making people feel guilty for asking anything of you.
Sometimes you protect yourself from expressing it.
You've experienced what happens when generosity has no limits, so you stop giving. You become protective of your time and energy. You may avoid helping even when you genuinely want to because you don't trust that you can give without ending up depleted.
In one direction, you lose yourself in the value. In the other, you lose access to a part of yourself that genuinely matters to you.
And this doesn't only happen with generosity.
You can value honesty and say everything you think without considering how it affects someone else—or avoid difficult conversations altogether.
You can value independence and refuse help even when you need it—or become so uncertain of yourself that you continually look to others to make decisions for you.
You can value peace and continually accommodate everyone to prevent conflict—or withdraw from relationships because connection feels too demanding.
Sometimes one value takes over.
You value security, so you make choices that protect your financial stability. But security continually takes priority over fulfilment, meaning, freedom, or the work you actually want to do.
You value family, so their needs continually come first—while looking after yourself takes a backseat.
You value achievement, so you keep striving—but connection, rest, and enjoyment are continually sacrificed.
Living Authentically Requires Balance
Finding balance isn't always as simple as listening to how you feel.
Guilt can tell you to keep giving when you've already given too much. Fear can tell you to stay with what is familiar even when it no longer fulfils you. Resentment can make you want to stop giving altogether when generosity still genuinely matters to you.
Those feelings contain information, but they don't necessarily contain direction.
If guilt has always followed saying no, the absence of guilt can't be the measure of whether saying no was the right choice. If disappointing someone makes you uncomfortable, avoiding their disappointment can't be what determines how much you give. If uncertainty creates fear, feeling safe can't always be what decides whether you move forward.
This is where reason and discernment need to sit alongside emotion.
Pay attention to what you feel, but don't automatically let the feeling make the decision.
Ask yourself:
What is actually fair?
What is sustainable?
What am I responsible for—and what belongs to someone else?
What else matters here?
What choice allows me to honour more than one part of myself?
Balance doesn't mean that every value, need, or priority receives equal attention in every decision. It means that one value, one need, one person, one fear, or one emotional reaction doesn't continually make the entire decision.
When Authenticity Requires Learning
Sometimes the distance between what matters to you and the way you're living has a much more practical explanation: you haven't learned the skills you need to live it.
You may value honesty but struggle to say what you really think because you've never learned how to communicate difficult things without becoming defensive, shutting down, or avoiding the conversation altogether.
You may value self-respect but continually allow things you don't want because you've never learned how to set and maintain boundaries.
You may value connection but struggle to listen when you feel criticized, express what you need, or stay present when a conversation becomes uncomfortable.
You may value independence but continually look to other people for reassurance because you haven't learned how to trust your own decisions.
You may know exactly what you want to do differently and still find yourself repeating the same behaviour because knowing what matters doesn't automatically give you the ability to live it.
Some ways of being have to be learned.
Communication can be learned.
Boundaries can be learned.
Listening can be learned.
Making decisions can be learned.
Saying no can be learned.
Asking for what you need can be learned.
Allowing someone to be disappointed without immediately trying to fix it can be learned.
Living more authentically isn't always about discovering what matters to you. Sometimes, it means learning the skills you need to put those values into practice.
What Do You Need to Learn?
Finding it difficult to express yourself honestly or navigate difficult conversations?
Finding yourself pulled away from what is happening by thought, reaction, or distraction?
Know what you want, but fear or uncertainty keeps you from moving toward it?
Explore where responsibility may be shaping the way you live — and whether what you expect of yourself still leaves room for what matters to you.
