Robyn on Purpose
Discover Your True Purpose
Interrupting Autopilot
Autopilot is efficient. It's one of the ways the brain conserves energy. Familiar routines, behaviours, and responses require less conscious thought, leaving your attention available for everything else that needs it.
But autopilot isn't only about doing things automatically. It's also about where your attention is while you're doing them.
You can make dinner while thinking about tomorrow, get ready for work while replaying a conversation, or drive a familiar route and barely remember the drive. You were there. You did what you needed to do. But your attention was somewhere else.
The problem is that not everything you do automatically is something you would consciously choose—and when your attention is somewhere else, you may not notice.
When much of your life is familiar, you can move through your days without paying very much attention to how you're experiencing them. You respond to what comes up, do what needs to be done, fall into familiar roles and routines, and move on to whatever comes next.
You may not notice what isn't working. What you're no longer enjoying. What you're tolerating. What you're avoiding. How you're feeling. Or how much of what you do is simply what you've always done.
Sometimes, continuing to move this way also becomes a way of coping. There is always something else to do, think about, take care of, respond to, or get through. Keeping your attention there means you don't have to spend very much time with what you're feeling, wanting, needing, or questioning underneath it.
You don't necessarily make a conscious decision to avoid any of it. You simply keep going. And over time, getting through your life can become easier than stopping to consider how you're actually experiencing it.
And even when you do notice something you want to change, recognizing it doesn't automatically change what happens next.
You may decide to speak up instead of staying quiet. Stop taking responsibility for something that isn't yours. Respond differently when you're frustrated. Make more room for something you care about. Put down a habit that no longer feels good.
The decision may be completely genuine.
But the familiar response has had more practice.
Interrupting autopilot begins by noticing your life while you're living it. From there, you can become more honest about what you find, decide what you want to do differently, and learn how to bring those choices into the moments when they matter.
Already know what you want to change?
→ Skip ahead to When Change Meets Autopilot
What Have You Gotten Used to?
When something is part of your everyday life, you don't necessarily keep evaluating it. You adapt to it.
A demanding schedule becomes your schedule. A strained relationship becomes the way the relationship is. Feeling tired becomes how you feel. Taking care of everyone becomes what you do. Spending your evenings on the couch becomes your routine.
Eventually, you stop noticing the experience because it has become normal enough that it no longer gets your attention.
Take some time to look at the different areas of your life.
How are you spending your time?
Look beyond what fills your schedule. How much of your time is spent doing things you want to do, things you need to do, things you've agreed to do, and things you simply keep doing because they've become part of your routine?
How are you feeling?
What feelings have become so familiar that you've stopped paying much attention to them? Are you regularly tired, rushed, bored, resentful, anxious, disconnected, content, interested, fulfilled? Don't immediately explain the feeling. Notice that it's there.
What have you learned to live with?
Consider what has gradually become normal. A relationship dynamic. A workload. A level of stress. How little time you have for yourself. How often you feel irritated. How rarely you do something you enjoy. How much responsibility you carry.
What are you avoiding?
Pay attention to what you keep putting off, distracting yourself from, explaining away, or telling yourself you'll deal with later. Sometimes staying busy with what needs to be done keeps you from having to spend much time with what you don't want to feel or face.
What keeps getting your attention?
Notice the thoughts, feelings, frustrations, desires, or questions that keep resurfacing. If something continues returning even after you've dismissed it, distracted yourself from it, or tried to move on, it deserves your attention.
Be Honest About What You Find
Once you start looking at the parts of your life you've gotten used to, resist the urge to immediately explain them away.
You may have very good reasons for why something is the way it is. You need the job. Someone depends on you. You made a commitment. You don't have another option right now. You've always been this way. Changing it would affect other people.
Those things may all be true.
But explaining why something is the way it is doesn't tell you how you actually feel about it.
Before deciding what is possible, practical, fair, or necessary, be honest about your actual experience.
Do I like this?
Do I want this?
Is this working for me?
Does this still feel worth what it asks of me?
Am I okay with this continuing as it is?
What am I pretending doesn't bother me?
What do I keep telling myself is fine because I don't know what to do about it?
What would I admit if I didn't have to do anything about the answer yet?
Honesty doesn't require an immediate decision. You can acknowledge that something isn't working even if you don't know how to change it. You can admit that you want something different even if different isn't currently available. You can recognize that something hurts without knowing how to resolve it.
But Everything Else Matters More
Being honest with yourself also means allowing what you feel, want, and need to count. Pay attention to the reasons you give yourself for why they shouldn't.
Other people need you.
Someone else has it harder.
You should be grateful for what you have.
You chose this.
You can handle it.
Wanting more feels selfish.
Changing something would inconvenience or disappoint someone else.
When those reasons continually override your own experience, it becomes easier to keep doing what you've always done. There is nothing to reconsider because you've already decided that how you feel, what you need, or what you want isn't enough of a reason to question it.
That is one way autopilot takes hold. The familiar continues, not simply because you've dismissed what you feel, want, or need, but because overriding it has become part of how you keep functioning. If you stopped long enough to give your own experience your full attention, you might have to acknowledge how tired, unhappy, overwhelmed, resentful, or dissatisfied you actually are—and what that might ask of you.
Sometimes continuing to do what you've always done feels more manageable than allowing yourself to fully recognize that something needs to be different.
When you've spent a long time prioritizing what needs to be done, what other people need, what is practical, or what you believe you should be able to handle, overriding your own experience can become so automatic that you barely consider it before continuing on.
But you are one of the people affected by the way you live your life.
What you need deserves consideration. What you want is worth understanding. What drains you, fulfils you, frustrates you, interests you, or leaves you wanting something different tells you something about the life you're living.
That doesn't mean every want needs to be followed or every uncomfortable experience needs to change.
It means your experience gets a place in the decision.
When Autopilot Is What Keeps You Going
Sometimes putting your own experience aside isn't about believing it doesn't matter. It's how you've managed to keep functioning.
When life is asking a lot of you and much of it isn't optional, focusing on what needs to happen next can make everything feel more manageable. You get through today. Take care of what needs your attention. Deal with the next problem. Meet the next responsibility.
Fully acknowledging how tired, unhappy, overwhelmed, lonely, resentful, or dissatisfied you are may feel harder to contain. Because once you acknowledge I can't keep doing this, another question immediately follows:
Then what am I supposed to do?
If you don't have an answer—or don't believe you have the freedom, resources, support, or capacity to change the situation—continuing can feel safer than fully acknowledging its effect on you.
Autopilot gives you a way to do that. It narrows your attention to what is immediately in front of you and allows you to keep moving without having to take in the full weight of your experience at once.
But coming out of autopilot doesn't require you to take it all in at once either.
You can acknowledge that you're exhausted without immediately knowing how to make life less demanding. You can recognize that something isn't sustainable before you know what needs to change. You can admit that you're unhappy without making a major decision. You can allow yourself to want something different before you know how to create it.
Acknowledging what is true doesn't create the problem. It simply allows you to stop carrying it without acknowledging that it's there.
If autopilot has been helping you function through exhaustion or overwhelm, rebuilding your capacity may need to come before asking more of yourself.
Work With What Is True
Giving your own experience a place in the picture doesn't make the other realities surrounding it disappear.
You may need the job you don't enjoy. Someone may genuinely depend on you. A commitment may still matter to you even though it asks more of you than you expected. A circumstance may not have an immediate alternative. A change you want to make may affect people you care about.
Those realities belong in the picture too.
The difference is that now you're looking at the whole picture instead of allowing one reality to cancel out another.
I need this job and I don't want to spend the rest of my working life here can both be true.
This person depends on me and the way I'm carrying this isn't sustainable can both be true.
I want to honour this commitment and something about how I'm doing it needs to change can both be true.
Holding both truths doesn't mean you immediately know what to do about them. It gives you a fuller picture of what you're actually working with.
When you've been focused on all the reasons something has to stay the way it is, it's easy to assume your only choices are to accept it or completely change it.
But there may be possibilities between those two extremes that you haven't been looking for.
The circumstance may need to change. Or there may be something within it that could change—the way responsibility is shared, what you expect of yourself, what you agree to, how you communicate, where you put your energy, what you make room for, or what you begin working toward.
Seeing the whole picture can reveal choices that weren't visible when you were only looking at the reasons things couldn't change.
Decide What Needs to Happen Next
Once you begin seeing your life more clearly, you may find things you want to be different. But recognizing that something isn't working doesn't automatically tell you what needs to change.
Some things need to be accepted. There are realities you don't control, circumstances you can't undo, and things that aren't yours to change. Acceptance doesn't mean you have to like them. It means recognizing what is true so you can stop using your energy to fight a reality you can't change.
Accepting the reality doesn't mean giving up your choices within it. You can still decide how you want to respond, what you will participate in, what you will carry, where you will put your energy, and how you want to care for yourself within a situation you cannot change.
Some things need to be released. An expectation that no longer fits. A responsibility that isn't yours. The hope that someone will become who you need them to be. A version of yourself you've outgrown. An outcome you keep trying to control.
Some things need to be addressed. A conversation. A boundary. A problem you've been tolerating. A need you've never communicated. A responsibility that needs to be shared. Something you've been hoping will improve without your participation.
And some things genuinely need to change. The way you spend your time. A habit or pattern. The way you participate in a relationship. Something about your work, environment, priorities, or direction.
You may also discover that more than one response is needed. You can accept what you cannot control while changing what you can. Release an expectation while addressing the problem underneath it. Keep a commitment while changing the way you carry it.
Awareness gives you the opportunity to reconsider your participation. What you do with that awareness depends on what the situation actually needs.
When Change Meets Autopilot
You may leave this reflection knowing exactly what needs to be different.
You can have an intention to change something: allow other people to carry what belongs to them, speak up when something bothers you, or slow down before you respond.
The problem is that nothing about that intention changes how you're participating in the ordinary moments of your day. You're waiting for something to happen that gives you a reason to act on it. Until then, your attention is free to go wherever it usually goes.
It might be days or weeks before you have an opportunity to actually practice your intention. And when that opportunity does appear, you have to recognize it and remember what you intended to do.
Much of your day is already organized around outcomes—what needs to be achieved, completed, changed, solved, or accomplished. Alongside those demands, you may also be carrying pressure—from others and from yourself—to keep up, be productive, meet expectations, and prove yourself through what you accomplish.
The last thing you need is to turn intention into another measure of how well you're doing.
When your intention depends on remembering to do something specific, there will be days when you forget. Other things will demand your attention. You'll be tired, frustrated, distracted, overwhelmed, or simply caught up in what is happening.
And now the thing that was supposed to help you change has become one more thing you didn't do.
The Difference Engagement Makes
When your attention is fully engaged with what is in front of you, the experience is very different from moving through it on autopilot.
You have probably felt this while doing something that naturally holds your attention. You become absorbed in a project and lose track of time. You have a conversation that draws you in so completely that nothing else is competing for your attention. You travel somewhere new and find yourself taking in everything around you. You run, swim, garden, cook, build, create, or play a sport and, for a while, your mind becomes quieter.
You're not thinking about being present. You're simply engaged enough with what you're doing that your attention stays with you.
And the reason it feels so different is that your mind gets a break from being somewhere else.
When your attention is occupied by what is actually happening, there is less room for the endless mental movement that can accompany autopilot—the conversations you replay, the things you anticipate, the problems you keep working on, the worries you revisit, or the next thing you're already thinking about before you've finished this one.
Your mind is given somewhere to rest without requiring it to be still. Rest doesn't always mean an absence of thought. Sometimes it means getting a break from carrying so many thoughts at once. Engagement gives your attention one place to be.
You also experience more of the life you're actually living. You notice the conversation you're having, taste the meal you're eating, take in where you are, become absorbed in what you're creating, and recognize how you're experiencing something while it's happening.
The more engaged you are with what you're doing, the more fully you experience the life that's happening while you're doing it.
Engaging with the Ordinary
Some experiences naturally hold your attention. Much of everyday life does not.
So, how do you bring engagement into things that don't automatically capture your attention?
Choose an experience-based intention.
Rather than focusing on something specific you want to remember to do or another thing to accomplish, an experience-based intention focuses on how you want to experience the things you're already doing, in your ordinary, everyday life.
Consider how you want to experience the life you're already living.
How do you want to feel as you move through your day?
What quality would you like to bring to it?
What would you like there to be more of?
Connection. Appreciation. Kindness. Patience. Curiosity. Enjoyment. Support. Understanding.
This kind of intention doesn't change what needs to get done. It changes what you bring to doing it.
You may still have the same work to complete, errands to run, people to care for, meals to make, responsibilities to carry, and problems to solve. But those things don't have to determine the entire experience of your day.
If you choose connection, you begin looking for opportunities to connect while you move through it. If you choose appreciation, you notice what you appreciate and find opportunities to express it. If you choose curiosity, you become more interested in the people, places, and experiences already around you.
That intention influences how you participate. You may listen more carefully, ask another question, offer encouragement, express appreciation, respond with greater patience, or give more of your attention to the person or experience in front of you.
You are no longer waiting for your day to give you the experience you want. You are participating in creating more of it within the day you already have.
And because that participation can happen almost anywhere, your intention gives your attention something to engage with throughout the ordinary moments of your life.
Awareness Cues
Even with an intention that can be practised throughout ordinary life, your attention will wander. You don't need to hold your intention in your mind all day. You need ways to return to it.
Awareness cues give your attention something to notice within the ordinary flow of your day. Each time you encounter the cue, it becomes a reminder to return to your intention and how you want to participate.
The cue itself doesn't need to have anything to do with your intention. It simply needs to be something you will encounter often enough to notice.
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A particular colour. Choose a colour you're likely to see throughout the day. Each time you notice it, return briefly to your intention. Looking for the colour also gives your attention a reason to engage with what's around you.
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A common word. Choose a word you're likely to hear or see regularly. It might be something as ordinary as coffee. When it appears, let it bring your intention back into awareness.
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Something you regularly see. A handwritten list, a particular object, a type of vehicle, or something else you encounter throughout your normal routine can become a point of return.
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Hearing your name. Each time someone says your name, use it as a reminder to reconnect with your intention and bring it into the interaction you're having.
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An existing routine. Attach your intention to something you already do: making your first drink of the day, getting into the car, opening your laptop, washing your hands, opening a door, or sitting down. The routine itself becomes the reminder.
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Technology. Set an alarm labelled with your intention, change your phone background, or use something you interact with regularly as a prompt to return to it.
Additional Resources
Learn how to direct your attention, quiet mental noise, and become more present for the life you're already living.
Give your thinking somewhere useful to go—whether you need to understand, process, decide, gain perspective, or recognize when you've thought something through enough.
Explore how to bring more enjoyment, connection, intention, and nourishment into the life you're already living.
Explore Interrupting Autopilot
Through Journaling
Recognizing Autopilot
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Where in your life do you most often find yourself simply going through the motions?
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What parts of your life receive the least of your attention while you're actually living them?
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Where does your attention tend to go instead?
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What might you be missing when your attention is somewhere other than the experience you're having?
Understanding Engagement
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Think of a time when you were completely absorbed in what you were doing. What held your attention?
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How did that experience feel different from something you regularly do on autopilot?
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What activities, people, places, or experiences naturally make you more attentive to what is happening around you?
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What does this tell you about the conditions that help you feel more engaged with your life?
Bringing More Into the Ordinary
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How would you like to experience more of the life you're already living?
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What would you like there to be more of: connection, appreciation, kindness, patience, curiosity, enjoyment, support, understanding—or something else?
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If you chose one of these as an intention, how could you participate in creating it?
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How might that intention change the way you listen, respond, notice, interact, or approach the things you're already doing?
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Where in your ordinary life would you most like to bring more of your attention?