Ego and Essence

Understanding who’s leading—your protector or your truth.

What Is Ego?

Ego is the part of you that formed to help you survive. It organizes identity, controls perception, manages image, and defends against threat—real or imagined. It’s the voice that says: “Don’t get hurt again,” “Prove yourself,” or “You’ll be safe if they like you.”

Ego doesn’t know—it calculates.
It scans for threat.
It remembers what hurt, what failed, what was judged.
It forms identities to keep you safe: the achiever, the caretaker, the perfectionist, the strong one.
Ego doesn’t trust stillness. It fills silence with strategy. It turns discomfort into control.

Ego is not your enemy—it’s your survival system.
It formed in response to fear, pain, and rejection. It learned how to protect you by shaping how you see yourself and how you move through the world. It manages identity, image, control, and defense. It says: “Be careful.” “Don’t show too much.” “Stay ahead, stay useful, stay safe.”

Ego helps you recognize where you end and others begin. It gives structure, motivation, and self-awareness. It’s not something that can or should be eliminated—it’s part of being human. But ego wasn’t designed to lead. It was built for survival, not wholeness. It doesn’t recognize peace—it recognizes risk. It doesn’t seek alignment—it seeks control. When ego is in charge, authenticity gets replaced by preservation. Your actions become about staying safe, not staying true. You find yourself proving, performing, or pleasing to avoid judgment or rejection. Life becomes a loop of managing perception, avoiding discomfort, and trying to earn what your essence already knows you deserve. Ego may help you survive—but it’s essence that reveals what’s waiting beyond fear.

What Is Essence?

Essence doesn’t think. It knows.
It knows you are whole.
It knows you are worthy.
It knows your behaviour—even the messy, imperfect, human parts—deserve compassion, not punishment.
Essence doesn’t explain itself. It simply is.

Essence is your unshakable self—the deeper intelligence that doesn’t need validation to feel real. It’s the part of you that existed before conditioning, before fear, before identity. Essence moves through alignment, not approval. It’s quiet, steady, and deeply honest. It doesn’t grasp. It knows.

Essence isn’t loud. It doesn’t demand attention. But when you slow down enough to hear it, it speaks—not in words, but in resonance. In the calm, clear feeling of this is true.

How to Tell If Ego Is In Charge

Ego leads from fear, even when it looks like control or confidence on the outside. It wants to keep you safe—by keeping you small, agreeable, perfect, or productive. When ego is driving, you often feel:

Tense or defensive — needing to protect your image or worth
Urgent or reactive — quick to prove, justify, or control outcomes
Judgmental — toward yourself or others (comparison, “shoulds,” superiority)
Over-identified — confusing your worth with your achievements, roles, or appearance
Disconnected — moving through life as a performance rather than a presence

Even helpful actions can be ego-led when they come from fear. You can set a boundary out of alignment—or out of avoidance. You can share vulnerably from your truth—or because you want to be seen as “authentic.” The difference lies in the energy and intention behind the action.

When Ego Whispers Instead of Shouts

Sometimes ego doesn’t show up in bold defenses—it shows up in the quiet pressure to hold it all together. The over-functioning. The forcing. The fatigue you can’t explain.

You might notice:

Tension or impatience — even the calmest tasks start to feel like chores that need to be rushed through
Annoyance — not because anything is wrong, but because something disrupted your sense of control
Urgency and rushing — a constant need to move, fix, reply, perform, get to the next thing
Forcing outcomes — trying to bend people or situations to match your expectations
Performing competence — being the capable one, even when you’re exhausted
Measuring your day by output — rather than by presence, connection, or alignment
Low-level anxiety or irritability — especially when things don’t go according to plan

These are signs that ego is still trying to steer—not because you’re broken, but because it’s scared of what will happen if you don’t keep going. But the truth is: ego doesn’t trust stillness. Essence does. It’s often in the pause, the exhale, the quiet moment you keep putting off—that your truest self has been waiting to lead.

You may read some of these and think—that's just perimenopause! You would be correct. The annoyance, short-temperedness, irritability are all signs that your nervous system is in fight or flight, your body is trying to protect you, just like your ego does.

Ego Protects Through Blame
Another way ego tries to keep you safe is by assigning blame. When something triggers discomfort, the ego says, “They made me feel this way.” It externalizes the emotion—so you don’t have to feel the vulnerability beneath it. But no one can activate something that isn’t already within you. If defensiveness, hurt, or anger rise to the surface, it’s because those feelings were already waiting—unresolved, unexamined, unhealed. The ego turns outward to avoid the inward reckoning.

It’s not about blame—it’s about insight.

When you notice a strong emotional reaction, ask: What is this touching inside me? What story is being reawakened? The ego sees threat; essence sees opportunity. One protects through projection. The other heals through awareness.

How Ego Shapes Thoughts and Feelings
Ego doesn’t just influence your actions—it shapes your entire internal landscape. The thoughts you think. The feelings you feel. The stories that loop in the background.

But it’s not doing this to sabotage you. Ego is trying to protect you. It wants to keep you safe—safe from rejection, shame, failure, loss, embarrassment, discomfort. So it scans for threat, and when it senses something risky (emotionally, socially, or physically), it creates thoughts that reduce vulnerability.

These thoughts aren’t random. They’re strategic.

They’re shaped by past pain, unconscious fears, cultural conditioning, and your earliest experiences of what was accepted, rewarded, or punished.

The ego asks:
• What happened last time I showed this part of myself?
• What will protect me from feeling that again?
• What identity do I need to wear so I stay safe?

Then it builds thoughts that fit the answer:
Be agreeable. Work harder. Don’t need too much. Stay quiet. Always be right. Don’t get attached. Win them over. Prove you’re worth it. Anticipate their needs. Push through. Avoid conflict.

And because thoughts create emotional responses, the feelings that follow often echo the tone of the ego:
Tense. Defensive. Reactive. Numb. Ashamed. Pressured. Disconnected.

This isn’t always obvious. What you think is sadness might really be resistance—ego’s way of saying “Are you sure it’s safe to feel this much?” You may feel anxious and think it's your intuition—when it’s ego panicking over uncertainty.

And ego has no problem distorting the story. It will tell you things that aren’t true—about yourself and about others—if it believes that story will keep you protected. It will say you’re unworthy, unlovable, too much, not enough. It will say they were out to hurt you. That you have to prove something. That you have to earn love.

But these aren’t truths. They’re defense strategies. And they need to be questioned. The goal isn’t to silence ego, but to recognize when it's narrating your inner world—and to ask whether its version of safety is still serving you.

Essence doesn't need these strategies—because it already knows you're safe in your wholeness. It doesn’t operate from fear, so it doesn’t need to manufacture stories to stay in control. It doesn’t think—it knows. When you begin to notice which voice is shaping your thoughts, you give yourself the power to choose alignment instead of defense.

But I Need to Be This Way to Survive
It’s one of the most common—and convincing—stories the ego tells:
“If I don’t push, I’ll fall behind.”
“If I don’t perform, I won’t be respected.”
“If I don’t keep it together, everything will fall apart.”
“If I don’t adapt to this world, I won’t make it.”

These beliefs don’t come from nowhere. They were built in environments where you did have to be a certain way to stay safe, accepted, or successful. Where softness was mistaken for weakness. Where hustle earned approval. Where survival meant becoming hyper-capable, agreeable, unshakeable.

But what protected you then may be limiting you now.

Ego strategies often start as necessary adaptations. But over time, they become identities—ones that prevent you from showing up as your full self. You begin to believe that your worth is tied to performance. That rest is laziness. That vulnerability is a liability. That proving yourself is more important than being yourself.

And while those patterns may have helped you succeed in a particular system—they often come at the cost of your peace, authenticity, and health.

The truth is:
You don’t have to choose between surviving and being yourself.
You don’t have to betray your nervous system to prove your value.
You don’t have to abandon alignment to succeed.

When you build a life, a business, or a path that reflects your essence—your truth, your values, your wholeness—you may ruffle some norms. But you also create something sustainable. Something real. Something that feeds you instead of drains you.

Ego builds to endure the world.
Essence builds to reshape it.

The shift begins by questioning the old equation:
Success at the cost of self… or success in service of self?

Which one feels like truth in your body?

How to Shift from Ego to Essence

The first step is accepting that you do have an essence—that there is a deeper part of you that exists beneath fear, conditioning, and performance. You don’t need to earn it, fix yourself, or prove anything in order to access it. It’s already there.

What’s often missing isn’t the ability to connect with it—but the space to notice it. Essence doesn’t push through noise or rush. It becomes clearer when there’s room to feel, reflect, and slow down. Without space, ego stays in charge by default. With space, a different kind of awareness can start to emerge.

This isn’t about overhauling your life. It starts with a shift in perspective: valuing stillness as a state that allows something deeper to surface. When you make even small room for quiet or calm, you create the conditions for your essence to become known—not as a concept, but as something real you can sense and live from.

Creating Space for Essence: Nervous System & Micro-Shifts

When ego is in control, the nervous system is often dysregulated—locked in states of hyper-alertness, tension, or shutdown. It’s hard to connect with essence when your body feels unsafe. That’s why the shift toward presence often begins physically—by calming the body enough to allow awareness to expand.

A simple place to start is with the breath. One powerful tool is by doing a vagus nerve breathing practice. Breathe in for a count of 6, hold for a count of 4, breath out for a count of 8 and repeat for as long as you need. This exercise slows your breath to a rhythm that cues safety in the body, helps regulate your nervous system, and puts you in a state where presence is more accessible. It’s not a mindset shift—it’s a physiological one.

Once your body is calmer, you can start to experiment with small, deliberate shifts into presence. Choose a moment in your day—making breakfast, brushing your teeth, driving to work—and decide not to do it on autopilot. Slow your thoughts. Slow your movements. Notice your surroundings. Feel what your hands are doing. Listen without trying to respond. These small moments are invitations to dip your toe into the experience of being while doing—bringing awareness, presence, and intention to even the most ordinary tasks.

You don’t need to overhaul your life to reconnect with presence. Just start noticing when you're rushing through, and choosing one task to slow down and do with attention. These micro-shifts create space for something deeper to land—and for essence to begin guiding you, one moment at a time.

While hardship often accelerates growth, it’s stillness and safety that create the conditions for awareness, clarity, and deeper connection to essence. When your body feels safe, your awareness expands. You start to notice more—not just within yourself, but around you. Insights surface more easily. Synchronicities stand out. Subtle signs, opportunities, and moments of clarity feel less like coincidence and more like support. The more space you create, the more clearly you recognize what’s always been trying to reach you.

Creating Space for Essence: Recognizing What Needs to Be Questioned

You can’t heal what you haven’t named. And you can’t return to your essence if you don’t first understand what’s been pulling you away from it.

Most blocks to self-worth aren’t conscious. They don’t sound like, “I believe I’m unworthy.” They show up in the small, repeated patterns: the judgment, the over-explaining, the hesitation to speak up, the constant effort to prove or please.

These aren’t personality quirks—they’re protections. Built over time by an ego that learned what parts of you were safe to show, and which parts needed to be hidden. The first step is noticing them.

What to Look For

Start by gently paying attention to when your emotional response feels bigger than the moment:

Do you feel rejected when someone doesn’t respond the way you hoped?
Do you overthink after sending a message?
Do you downplay your needs to avoid being “too much”?
Do you overextend yourself just to feel valuable?

These moments often signal that something deeper is being touched—a fear, a belief, a wound that hasn’t been seen or questioned.

You might also notice how people respond to your energy. This isn’t about blame or fault—it’s about frequency. If your energy is shaped by self-protection, self-silencing, or people-pleasing, others unconsciously respond to that. Your energy teaches people what you’ll tolerate, how available you are, and whether your needs are negotiable. Recognizing this dynamic isn’t about self-blame—it’s about reclaiming the power to shift it.

Common Ego-Based Beliefs

While each person’s story is unique, many protective beliefs fall into familiar patterns. Some of the most common:

“If I rest, I’ll fall behind.”
“I have to be useful to be loved.”
“It’s safer not to get my hopes up.”
“If I make a mistake, they’ll stop trusting me.”
“Needing help means I’m weak.”
“If I say how I really feel, I’ll lose the relationship.”

None of these thoughts come from essence. They come from ego’s history—built through hurt, fear, and survival.

Questions to Gently Ask Yourself

What part of me feels unseen, unworthy, or not enough?
What stories am I still carrying from past relationships, family, work, or culture?
Where in my life do I feel like I’m performing or protecting rather than simply being?
What patterns seem to repeat in how people relate to me or treat me?

These questions aren’t meant to be solved in a single journaling session. They’re starting points. Gentle openings. As you begin to notice your patterns, you’ll uncover what ego has been trying to protect—and where healing can begin.

Creating Space for Essence: Believing You Deserve More

Ego builds around what you’ve been taught to expect—about yourself, your worth, your limits. If you’ve internalized messages that love is earned, rest is indulgent, or needs are burdensome, then even the idea of wanting more can feel selfish or unrealistic. But essence doesn’t operate from those stories. It knows you were never meant to stay small.

Creating space for essence means questioning not just how you’ve been treated—but what you’ve come to accept.

When you consistently settle for less—less respect, less support, less peace—it’s often not because you believe you deserve it. It’s because a part of you doesn’t believe more is possible. Or that asking for more will make you unlovable, difficult, or alone.

But deserving more isn’t about entitlement. It’s about alignment. You don’t need to justify your worth through output, approval, or self-sacrifice. You don’t need to prove that your needs are reasonable before they matter.

You are allowed to want relationships that are mutual.
You are allowed to say no without guilt.
You are allowed to choose rest without explanation.

You don’t have to keep giving more than you have, or shape-shifting who you are, just to feel emotionally secure. You’re allowed to exist, set limits, and be yourself — even if it means someone else is uncomfortable.

You are allowed to walk away from friendships and associations that are no longer aligned with who you are becoming — or with what you now believe.

These aren’t luxuries. They’re signs of self-respect—and evidence that your essence is starting to take the lead. You may not believe all of this yet. That’s okay. Maybe just start with the willingness to consider:

What if I am allowed to want more?

Let that question live in you for a while. Let it soften the edges where ego has held tight control. The more room you create for that possibility, the more space essence has to meet you there.

Creating Space for Essence: Living with Intention

Living with intention doesn’t mean having everything figured out. It means choosing to move through your day with awareness instead of autopilot. It’s not just about being present while making coffee or walking to your car—though those small shifts matter. It’s also about deciding what kind of energy you want to carry. How you want to feel. How you want others to feel in your presence.

Most goals focus on outcomes—what you’ll achieve, complete, or fix. But intention shifts the focus to experience. You might set a goal like: “Today I want to feel calm and connected.” Or, “I want the people around me to feel supported and seen.” These aren’t checkboxes to tick off. They’re quiet guideposts that shape the way you show up.

Try setting one of these non-outcome-based goals at the start of your day. Then pay attention to how it affects your choices. Do you pause more? Speak more gently? Let go of something that doesn’t align? These small internal shifts ripple outward—and the more you experience that alignment, the more you begin to trust it.

Intention creates space for essence to lead—not through control, but through clarity. It helps you return to yourself before the world pulls you in a dozen directions. And it gently reminds you that presence is something you can practice, shape, and return to—one choice at a time.

Robyn On Purpose